Last night was one of those nights where everything felt wrong. I had drunk too much crap wine, kids were unsettled, and I was immersed in self-doubt and negativity that kept me awake long after the house fell silent.
Last week wasn’t a stellar one on the work front – I made the mistake of accepting a commission when my gut instinct advised against it and, lo and behold, I’m doing far more work on it than agreed, and not for a great fee. I know that a distinct lack of enthusiasm on my part for a project will never end well, because my reputation relies on good work, and that rarely comes out of things I need to be coaxed into. Still, I gave in to the freelancer’s fear of turning work down, so it’s my own fault.
At 3am, this turned into a fully-fledged self pity party, where I vowed I would retrain as a plumber (because they never get ripped off by their clients, bien sur) or do something where it was impossible to fail.
In the cold light of day, I realised I needed to get a grip, and remember that 1) everyone has bad work gigs, whether employed or freelance. Sometimes you make a bad call, and feel rubbish and incompetent for a while. 2) there have been many more times when my work was appreciated, and I felt good about my talents and professional life. Running away from the realities of work wouldn’t solve anything (particularly because I am in the only job I am any good at – and I know this). I just needed to remind myself that everyone has bad days, but it doesn’t automatically mean everything has to change. Quite the opposite.
After my dark night of the soul, I came back to reality and back into my self-appointed role as quizmaster for #earlymorningkidstvquiz on Twitter. I figured getting up at the crack of dawn to while away the wee small hours in front of the goggle box might as well be productive. One very easy quiz question, based on either CBeebies programmes or Channel 5 Milkshake’s programmes, before 9am. Come and join the inanity and follow me @catdean1. There are no prizes, other than the satisfaction of proving you managed to keep your eyes open.
A bad smell has been following me around all morning. I thought I had unwittingly attracted an estate agent stalker, such was the reek of cheap aftershave. Turns out it’s just the pong of my new conditioner, L’Oreal’s Ever Strong. Makes my hair feel nice, but don’t know if I can continue to use it. I’m sure my boys’ bedrooms will start smelling similar in about 10 years time…