But I read an article by Leo Balbuta today (regular readers of this blog will know I’m a fan) which prompted something of a lightbulb moment. I’m going to copy some of the article here as he describes it beautifully:

“In her book Everyday Zen, Charlotte Joko Beck tells a story that I’ll paraphrase here:

“Imagine you’re rowing a boat on a foggy lake, and out of the fog comes another boat that crashes into you! At first you’re angry at the fool who crashed into you — what was he thinking! You just painted the boat. But then you notice the boat is empty, and the anger leaves … you’ll have to repaint the boat, that’s all, and you just row around the empty boat. But if there were a person steering the boat, we’d be angry!

“Here’s the thing: the boat is always empty. Whenever we interact with other people who might “do something to us” (be rude, ignore us, be too demanding, break our favorite coffee cup, etc.), we’re bumping into an empty boat. We just think there’s some fool in that boat who should have known better, but really it’s just a boat bumping into us, no harm intended by the boat.

“That’s a hard lesson to learn, because we tend to imbue the actions of others with a story of their intentions, and how they should have acted instead. We think they’re out to get us, or they should base their lives around being considerate to us and not offending us. But really they’re just doing their thing, without bad intent, and the boat just happens to bump into us.

“When we see things with this lens, they suddenly become emptied of anger and stress. Our boss was rude? Empty boat, just respond appropriately, don’t imbue with a story. Kid throws a tantrum? Empty boat, just breathe and find the appropriate, non-angry response.

“This is detachment. It’s seeing the actions and words of others as just phenomena happening outside of us, like a leaf falling or the wind blowing. We don’t get angry at the wind for blowing, and yet the blowing does affect us. Let the actions of your kid be the wind blowing — you just need to find an appropriate response, rather than being stressed that this phenomenon is happening.

“So when your kid is doing something other than what you’d like, let go of that desired outcome that’s stressing you out, and let go of the story you’ve imbued into their actions. Just think, “Empty boat, wind blowing.”

“And then give them a hug. Let love guide your actions. Teach, don’t control. Set an example of how they should behave with your compassionate response. They’re watching you, not listening to your words, and that’s how they learn.”

I absolutely love this – and of course, it’s applicable to all life situations, not just when the kids are driving you mad. It’s so easy to attribute negative intentions to other people’s actions – the word “thoughtless” is used as a pretty damning description of someone’s behaviour. But taken literally, it means the other person wasn’t thinking of harming you – knowing this, your reaction may be less hostile, more muted. My young children push my buttons all the time, but I will try to keep this in mind when they’re doing something I think they “shouldn’t’.

That’s not to say that we shouldn’t aspire to greater things for ourselves, or enjoy identifying and achieving goals. But we won’t become a different person when we get them, and life won’t suddenly be simple and happy all the time. It will still be messy, difficult, interesting, frightening, disappointing and joyful. We just get better (or we don’t) at handling our circumstances.

It’s very accessible and easy to read – and each chapter has a “try” section, with practical applications of the issue discussed. I’m going to share a few of these (quotes directly from the book) in a series of blog posts as I find them really helpful and inspiring. Try:

• Stopping, sitting down and becoming aware of your breathing once in a while throughout the day. It can be for five minutes, or even five seconds. Let go into full acceptance of the present moment, including how you are feeling and what you perceive to be happening. For those moments, don’t try to change anything at all, just breathe and let go.
• Reminding yourself from time to time, “this is it”. See if there is anything at all that it cannot be applied to. Remind yourself that acceptance of the present moment has nothing to do with resignation in the face of what is happening. It simply means a clear acknowledgement that what is happening is happening…You might try acting out of a deep understanding of “this is it”. Does it influence how you choose to proceed or respond?
• Work at allowing more things to unfold in your life without forcing them to happen and without rejecting the ones that don’t fit your idea of what “should” be happening.
• Looking into impatience and anger when they arise. See if you can adopt a different perspective, one which sees things as unfolding in their own time. This is especially useful when you are feeling under pressure and blocked or stymied into something you want or need to do.
• Recognising the ways in which you meet obstacles with harshness. Experiment with being soft when your impulse is to be hard, generous when your impulse is to be withholding, open when your impulse is to close up or shut down emotionally…Allow yourself to feel whatever you are feeling.

“What they found was that amongst women with a higher overall nutrient intake from supplements, the risk of depression was lower. Specifically, the study published in BMC Pregnancy and Childbirth found that higher average intakes of omega-3 and especially selenium appeared to be the most protective.”

The foods most naturally rich in selenium, according to Neal’s Yard Remedies, are:

• Brazil nuts
• Sunflower seeds
• Fish (tuna, halibut, sardines, flounder, salmon)
• Shellfish (oysters, mussels, shrimp, clams, scallops)
• Meats (beef, liver, lamb, pork)
• Poultry (chicken, turkey)
• Eggs
• Mushrooms (button, crimini, shiitake)
• Grains (wheat germ, barley, brown rice, oats)
• Onions.

Obviously, PND is more complex than a simple nutritional deficiency – I’m the first to bang the drum for proper diagnosis, and a holistic approach to treatment. But it’s interesting to see how the food we eat can influence our mood – and that there is now some credible research to support this.

It’s easy enough to be thankful for life when things are going well (although we’re often so busy having a nice time that we forget to stop and appreciate them). But when times are tough, if we’re facing difficulties in our professional or personal lives, it can be difficult to see the silver lining. Indeed, it can be cathartic to have a rant and a rail about the unfairness of existence, but as a way to then get out of our funk, nothing beats conscious gratitude.

As someone who has written about personal development and coaching for the last ten years, I always recommend “thank you” lists as a very powerful exercise for moving forward and effecting change. But, as in many other areas of life, we tend to teach what we most need to learn. So I am grateful for the blog for reminding me, for all the readers of this blog…I’ll save the rest for my private journal . Happy Easter!

I don’t know whether to be more bemused by the fact that it exists at all, or that apparently 7% of people reading an article entitled “Felicity Kendal: ‘I regret losing touch with Richard Briers’”, found it “scary”. I hope they were mocking the whole ludicrous exercise – otherwise there are some very easily frightened people out there who need more help than a celebrity website can provide.

Imagine if readers of mainstream newspaper websites had to rate articles in the same way? Right now, the top story on the Guardian website is, “Cyprus government says deal may come in hours”. What would it say about the people who judged the news “weird” or “funny”? Would it affect the judgement of the editor? Almost certainly.

The weight of the general public’s judgement already holds too much sway. I blame Pop Idol, back in the day. The idea that by phoning to vote for your favourite act would affect not only the career of the individual but also the course of the TV series gives people a false sense of their own power. I understand that voting in its original sense is important. But not everything in life is worthy of judgement. Thanks to Facebook and Twitter we can “like” and “favourite” – a pastime that takes a matter of seconds, but gives us a temporary status boost. We have judged ourselves important enough to pass judgment on others and their activities.

Do we have to have an opinion on everything? I long for the days when you actually needed to have some experience or expertise about a subject before your view was taken seriously. What do you think? Do you find that idea: a) old-fashioned b) terrifying c) hilarious d) pathetic or e) What are you talking about? I only clicked on this page to read about Felicity Kendal.

Other things that have made my weekend more enjoyable:

• Spending some time overhauling my career plans (self-employed people could do a lot worse than check out some of Bernadette Doyle’s videos on getting out of the time-for-money trap)
• Doing something I hated that my children loved. Specifically spending two hours going up and down the flume at the Triangle in Burgess Hill. One of the seven circles of hell for the over-12s.
• Highlighting things I like the look of in the Brighton Festival guide, Radio Times at Christmas-style. I might not go to see any of them, but anticipation is half the fun.
• Battling through Saturday with a hangover, as a result of a Friday night out in the local pub. Reminds me that  it’s nice to have people to go out and drink too much with, even if the kids decide to wake at 5.10 and get out the accordion and drum kit to emphasise their pleasure at seeing me.

What made you this weekend?

I am aware of how bad this is, and it has got exponentially worse since a) I bought a smartphone and b) began engaging seriously with Twitter. My gnat-like attention span has been even more corroded by these two factors, and I have started forcing myself out of the cafe (free wifi) and into the library to work as I can’t get online. If I stuff my phone right into the bottom of my bag, I can usually do at least 20 minutes’ work without checking it.

Like all addicts, I pretend I’m in control. “It’s not the technology itself, but the abuse of it that’s the problem” I declaim, making promises to my future self about ensuring my boys won’t have screens in their bedrooms when they’re teenagers. Other than the fact that in 10 years we’ll probably have screens sewn into our eyelids, I realise what a hypocrite I am – and also how annoying to be with. I would hate someone to be with me and constantly checking their phone – but I have become that person.

There is (some) justification – as a self-employed person, I need to be “out there” promoting my wares and I don’t want to only tweet my products and services (it’s dull and I tend to quickly unfollow people who do this). But this means engaging with other people and reading stuff – and there just aren’t enough hours in the day for it.

But this being unable to read a book situation has made me look twice at my online behaviour. This weekend, at least, I am going to stay off Twitter and Facebook, and see if I’ve managed to finish a chapter of a book by Sunday night. Granted it’s not a very long time (and not very scientific), but worth doing nonetheless. I just hope nothing really important happens during that time. Or at least that people don’t talk too much about it until Monday…

As any regular reader of this blog will know, sleep is a subject very dear to my heart – although one very unfamiliar in recent years. Her argument – that parents are doing children no favours by letting them stay up late, allowing screens (mobiles, laptops etc) in bedrooms and giving them snacks, leading to behavioural problems – is sound. I can totally understand why ensuring children have a calm bedroom routine and aren’t allowed to stay up until they want to makes sense. And yet, I suspect it’s not as easy as she says. None of this parenting lark is.

I imagine that if I read about my children’s sleep habits in a newspaper, I would be appropriately shocked and disapproving. Your two year-old has milk from a bottle? In the night? And a dummy? And gets to share your bed? Shall I book his place in borstal now, or would you like to wait a little? Are you some kind of weird martyr to motherhood?

I’m actually pretty far from it, but it has only been until now that I’ve felt confident that I could approach my youngest son’s sleep issues in a “traditional” manner. 10 days ago, I started a “gentle” version of controlled crying with him at bedtime, as I knew he wasn’t in any pain from his reflux at that stage. He now goes to sleep on his own every night, and only wakes during the night about one night in three.

Do I wish he had done this earlier? Of course – the last two years have been a blur, with plenty of undesirable consequences of his poor sleep (PND, etc). But I genuinely don’t feel I could have intervened sooner as I wouldn’t have felt comfortable about the cause of his crying. Now he can tell me if he’s in pain – or if he just wants a cuddle.

The point I am trying to make is that sometimes circumstances get in the way. Yes, I have an “excuse” for the way I have approached my child’s sleep issue (his reflux). But I’m sure plenty of parents of older children have legitimate reasons for the “crimes” Tanya Byron accuses them of. In the current economic climate, people don’t always have the luxury of working near their homes, and this often means parents arriving home late and, quite understandably, wanting to see their children before they go to bed.

Or what about other extra curricular activities – I’m sure most people would approve of young children going to Brownies, Scouts or doing some swimming or music lessons if that’s what they enjoy. But these are often timetabled in the early evening, and parents have to make the choice between their children doing something healthy and character-building – and having them tucked up at an “acceptable” hour.

Of course, we shouldn’t let kids completely rule the roost and choose their own bedtime if they can’t sleep in the next day. And it is good to aim for early nights and predictable routines. But this just feels like more scaremongering for publicity (yup, she’s got a TV show out) – and yet another stick wielded at (mainly) mothers for not getting things “right”.

I do still hold that living like this is something to try and integrate into life wherever possible. But sometimes, quantity trumps quality, and in those circumstances, we need to give ourselves a break. On occasion (ahem, yesterday), you just need to have two bags of scampi and lemon Nik Naks. Or a large quantity of “two for a tenner” wine. Or speedreading a detective novel and watching QVC instead of investing in a Booker Prize winner and a night in front of BBC4.

I also find this is true in more meaningful areas of life. On weeks when I’m working longer hours, my children are a lot more needy and demanding. I had thought that when I was away, the time I did spend with them would be quality. Less shouting, more playing, less telly. Turns out they’d rather have me around more, even if I’m rattier and we all take each other more for granted.

I like to think I am somehow restoring balance to the universe when I go for quantity over quality . The best isn’t always, well, best. Sometimes good enough is better.

I could have written this word for word – except that my escape is writing, rather than drawing. I am fortunate (as is Angie), in that my escape is also my livelihood. But I can honestly say that I have felt most alive and energised when writing Fertile Thinking (after the birth of son no.1) and The Postnatal Survival Guide (after no. 2).

It’s a two-pronged approach – finding what makes you feel like “you” – and then carving out the time to do it. For some people, it’s about going back to work. The act of having your own space and separate identity from “mum” may be enough. But if you’re working to pay the mortgage and don’t feel inspired by your job, you’ll need to find this elsewhere, maybe in a hobby or learning a new skill. Or it can be volunteering (which is also great for getting you out of your own head and connecting to a wider world).

Tapping into something where you’re so absorbed that you lose track of time and your negative thoughts is a magical process, and doesn’t need to be time consuming. I’d love to hear about your “lose yourself” activities and whether they’re related to work or play.

 ***Stop Press***

You can download free copies of my book, The Postnatal Guide, for the next 10 days from Smashwords.com. Please feel free to share with anyone you think might benefit from the book. And if you do read and enjoy it, don’t hesitate to leave a review .