Tag Archives: goal setting

No goal? No go.

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I’ve failed already. Failed at my resolution not to make any New Year’s resolutions. Inspired by Leo Balbuta’s post about living without goals, and my mindfulness training about living with and accepting the present, I decided I would try and go with the flow. I would not get out my trusty notebook and write down my plans and goals and dreams for the year. Instead, I would sit back and watch life unfold. I would be more relaxed, less single-minded.

But I can’t. I have felt tired and unmotivated since I made that decision. Ok, the tiredness is (as ever) explained by other things (double chicken pox, anyone?). But it feels as though 2013 is going to be a significant year of change, and I want to feel, rightly or wrongly, that I’ve played my part in making it happen.

For one thing, my goals give me energy. When I have an idea about the end result, it makes the steps I need to take in order to get there seem more real. When I know the direction I want to go in, I can do something small, every day, and it will eventually take me there.

That’s not to say I hold onto them so tightly that I can’t let them go if circumstances change, or if I change my mind about something. But I crave the formality of sitting down with my notebook and really thinking about what I want to achieve. The funny thing is, once I’ve written down the goals, I often don’t consciously do anything about them – and yet by the end of the year I find they’ve realised themselves anyway.

So, pencil in hand, I’m going to make a start on this year’s goals. They’re mainly going to be work/money-related, but I also want to learn something new this year, do something that takes me out of my comfort zone, and drink less, but better wine. And to read new and interesting new blogs. On that last point – any suggestions?

Are goals the enemy of romance?

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I’m not talking football pitches here, where some of the most romantic moments ever have taken place.

No, this is about goals as in aims and intentions. The kind of thing you need to at least have an answer for at a job interview when you’re asked “where do you see yourself in five years time”?

This is something of an addendum to my last post, and the result of a rather heated discussion about goal-setting, writing down lists and being happy. I realise other people are having arguments about Melanie Sykes and her TMI tweeting, but this particular conversation was more prosaic (if not equally trivial).

I have always written things down in order to work out what I think about a particular subject. Before social media existed, my brain vomit flowed into spiral bound notebooks where I could be found writing down the pros and cons of using Sun-In hair lightener (there is never a “pro” about using Sun-In unless you’re trying to really nail that Wurzel Gummidge look)  or editing my list of “the most important qualities of my ideal boyfriend”. If it’s not glaringly obvious, both of these examples date from the age of about 14, but more recent entries will have included sketching out ideal jobs or life situations. Sometimes I’ve been pleasantly surprised when I’ve rediscovered an old “ideal scenario” list and discovered that I was actually living those circumstances pretty much to the letter, without having made any particular efforts towards that goal.

Is this too utilitarian an approach to life, though? Is is suitable for work, for example, but not for relationships or family life? Can you reduce happiness to a series of bullet points?

I find myself surrounded by people who fall into the “goals for every area of life” camp, and those for whom that represents the most soul-destroying and pernicious elements of the self-help movement. Where do you sit on this one? In making long-term, detailed goals are you missing out on the unpredictable, beautiful randomness of life?

I’ll be happy when…

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  • I’ve got rid of this bastard cold
  • My kids are sleeping better
  • I’ve got fitter and stopped eating crap
  • I’m earning more money
  • I’ve had a haircut
And so on.
These are just a few examples of some of the reasons I’ve put off feeling cheerful this week – and it’s only Monday! Admittedly having a low level illness that’s not serious enough to confine you to your bed but just casts a greasy film over your everyday existence can get you down. But I’ve caught myself falling into the trap of fantasy thinking, that life will be somehow magically transformed once a particular event has happened or state has ben achieved. I used to think like this all the time, then couldn’t work out why I still found things to be miserable about even when what I wished for had taken place.
In some respects I blame the motivational, goal-setting mindset I adopted some ten years ago. How churlish does that sound? I admit that identifying what I wanted and working out the necessary steps to achieve it has had huge benefits, both professionally and personally. But if done in isolation, it can reduce life to a series of steps to be completed and bullet points to be ticked off. Yes, there is some satisfaction to be had in crossing things off a list, but it’s rarely the state of nirvana you expected when you initially identified the goal.
Yes, goal-setting is all well and good, and because it’s the way I think I’ll probably keep doing it in spite of myself. But I need to remind myself to count the little moments of happiness in the present, as they are just as important, and more likely to provide satisfaction than some far-off “someday” situation. I’d been slightly neglecting my mindfulness exercises as they’d been feeling too much like a chore, but I’m going to renew my commitment to finishing the course and listening to at least one meditation a day, as they do keep me focused on the here and now. Oh dear, that sounds a bit like a goal. Erm…