Tag Archives: sertraline

Six months on – what’s changed?

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I realise it’s been six months since I did my New Year’s stocktaking post, where I looked at helped – and what hindered – my attempts to sort out my PND.

A few things have changed since then. One of the most significant is stopping taking my antidepressant medication, without any apparent side effects. There was no real spur to come off them, other than as an experiment to see if I really needed them or not. I’m not ruling out taking them again in the future if things get worse, but it’s good to know that they’ve served their purpose of giving me the resilience to help me improve my mood through other methods for now.

I’ve also increased my working hours – not by much, admittedly, but enough to feel that I’m part of the working world again. I’ve had some interesting and enjoyable projects, which have given a real boost to my self esteem/ego.

One major thing that has sadly not changed is the sleeping situation. I am probably even more tired than six months ago because of the cumulative effect of the sleep deprivation. My kids wake through the night and are up and ready to start the day at 5.30. I’m hoping the early waking stuff will change as the mornings get darker, but I would welcome any advice from people who have managed to deal with non-sleeping pre-schoolers and toddlers. I suspect the only solution is for me to go to bed earlier, but that would feel like a backwards step in terms of regaining some time/head space that is not all about the children.

So, to sum it up (God, I love bullet points), what has worked in the last six months includes:

  • Doing a mindfulness course (here is the one I’m following) and trying to weave it into my daily life
  • Working more
  • Dropping the antidepressants and replacing them with decent vitamins, and even more tea and coffee
  • Accepting what I cannot change and changing what I can (stolen from the Alcoholics Anonymous Serenity Prayer)
  • Being grateful for what I do have and trying not to sweat the small stuff.

And what hasn’t:

  • Any attempt on my part to change my children’s sleep patterns.

Here’s hoping something might have changed by New Year 2013…

Stocktaking

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It might not be New Year’s Eve, but I have the time and inclination to do a little precis of what I have found worked for me this year, in terms of improving my mood and general happiness levels, and what has not. My son will be one in a week, and it’s been an incredibly full-on year, spending a lot of his early weeks in hospital due to his severe reflux (and time at home managing it), but also the more prosaic aspects of juggling life with a toddler and a newborn.

Fortunately, I was able to identify my PND in the first half of the year, (thanks, in part, to having experienced it exactly two years before) and seek medical help straightaway. The rest, however, has been an effort on my part to seek out practical and enjoyable ways to help myself. Here’s what I’ve learned so far…

What’s helped

  • Anti depressant medication. Sertraline is my particular poison, and it’s been invaluable in giving me the energy and resilience to connect with my children and get through the days intact.
  • Short, relaxing exercise breaks. I realised I needed to find something quick and effective to slot into my day. A lot of people swear by the 30 Day Shred, and I gave it a whirl, but I only had the energy to do it on holiday. It definitely worked from a purely physical point of view, but was too hard work to be enjoyable, so got sent back to Love Film pdq. I found Erin O’Brien’s 15 min Postnatal Rescue suited me much better, and I was still able to do it after an exhausting day and see the effects.
  • Short breaks in the day – I downloaded the 20 and 40 min “energiser” tracks from Pzizz. The voice is a little irritating, but it’s been useful when I’ve been too wired to sleep, but have the odd half hour to switch off.
  • Having a project – i.e this blog. While I’ve not been working, it’s been great to have something that has a sense of purpose, that I get a sense of achievement from (and connection with those who read it). I’m not currently keeping a journal and it’s very helpful both in terms of having a “brain dump” but also clarifying my own thoughts and feelings.
  • Staying in the present. I got halfway through The Power of Now before giving up, but want to look more into mindfulness. Would welcome suggestions of good books on the subject.
  • Connecting with old friends and not talking about children.
  • Various exercises from specific self-help books (see previous posts).There are loads more I’m sure, but these are the main ones that spring to mind.

What hasn’t worked for me

  • Attending to my personal appearance. Of course, I follow basic hygiene rules, I mean more wearing make up or getting my hair done, or buying new clothes. I know this works for many people, but I’d rather spend the precious minutes in other ways.
  • Denying myself particular indulgences, such as coffee, Diet Coke, sweets, choc, wine etc. I realise that all the research points to Diet Coke and booze being depressants in themselves, but I find depriving myself when my world is so small even more depressing.
  • Sleep! Or rather, I had hoped the kids would be sleeping better by now, so I’m not feeling any benefits yet. But on my list for the New Year is sleep training for the baby now he’s 1, so I hope this can move up into the first list soon.

Looking forward to trying out some new stuff in the New Year, thanks for reading this year, Happy Christmas!

Some thoughts…

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When I went to see my GP in June I began with a very rambling and stream of consciousness rant about how I was feeling. I was tearful, I explained, and exhausted. Anxious too – and even when my children did give me a chance to sleep, I was too wound up to drop off. I felt angry, irritable and pretty fed up with my life.

‘The thing is’, I said, ‘I am extremely sleep deprived, my baby has been an inpatient in hospital for a month, he cries all the time, my toddler is very jealous – it’s no surprise I’m feeling rubbish. Maybe it’s not depression after all. Just a reasonable response to circumstances’.

‘Does it matter?’ he replied. ‘Your symptoms exist, regardless of what you want to label it.’

He was right. I had been in this situation before, almost two years to the day, when my first son was 6 months old. I went to the GP, feeling a failure for not dealing with motherhood as well as I should. For not being grateful enough to have a child at all, when so many women struggle with their fertility.

On both occasions I was prescribed the anti-depressant, Sertraline. And both times, after about a week, I began to feel much better, more human. I remember the first time being terrified of what might happen to me. I was afraid I would be unable to feel anything, or turn into someone else.

As it happened, I just ended up feeling strong enough to start looking at my situation and trying to do something about it. I know a lot of people have mixed feelings about medicating PND, or are very anti, but I can safely say that both times I have hugely benefitted. As the doctor said, ‘they won’t change your situation, but they’ll make you a bit more resilient’.

Although the ADs have been fantastic, they are only part of the picture. So much about my feelings is mixed in with other issues: my identity, my child’s health, sleeplessness (of lack of it), work, and the very fact of being a mother in 2011, and what that means for my role in society.

I want to use this blog to explore these different issues, and to see where I can help myself. Some are existential, and can’t be altered (such as the fact of my being a mother) but others may be more practical.

I love solutions, lists, exercises – doing things. That’s why I subtitled this blog ‘doing something about postnatal depression’. Because I want to help myself through it, and hopefully others too.