Tag Archives: sleep training

The house of silent tearaways?

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Just seen this piece by the psychologist and parenting expert, Tanya Byron on how sleep deprivation is affecting the behaviour of today’s children and teens. Actually, she says it’s “ruining their lives” – but I suspect that may have been a bit of poetic licence on the part of the journo, rather than a direct quote as I can’t find it anywhere in the article.

As any regular reader of this blog will know, sleep is a subject very dear to my heart – although one very unfamiliar in recent years. Her argument – that parents are doing children no favours by letting them stay up late, allowing screens (mobiles, laptops etc) in bedrooms and giving them snacks, leading to behavioural problems – is sound. I can totally understand why ensuring children have a calm bedroom routine and aren’t allowed to stay up until they want to makes sense. And yet, I suspect it’s not as easy as she says. None of this parenting lark is.

I imagine that if I read about my children’s sleep habits in a newspaper, I would be appropriately shocked and disapproving. Your two year-old has milk from a bottle? In the night? And a dummy? And gets to share your bed? Shall I book his place in borstal now, or would you like to wait a little? Are you some kind of weird martyr to motherhood?

I’m actually pretty far from it, but it has only been until now that I’ve felt confident that I could approach my youngest son’s sleep issues in a “traditional” manner. 10 days ago, I started a “gentle” version of controlled crying with him at bedtime, as I knew he wasn’t in any pain from his reflux at that stage. He now goes to sleep on his own every night, and only wakes during the night about one night in three.

Do I wish he had done this earlier? Of course – the last two years have been a blur, with plenty of undesirable consequences of his poor sleep (PND, etc). But I genuinely don’t feel I could have intervened sooner as I wouldn’t have felt comfortable about the cause of his crying. Now he can tell me if he’s in pain – or if he just wants a cuddle.

The point I am trying to make is that sometimes circumstances get in the way. Yes, I have an “excuse” for the way I have approached my child’s sleep issue (his reflux). But I’m sure plenty of parents of older children have legitimate reasons for the “crimes” Tanya Byron accuses them of. In the current economic climate, people don’t always have the luxury of working near their homes, and this often means parents arriving home late and, quite understandably, wanting to see their children before they go to bed.

Or what about other extra curricular activities – I’m sure most people would approve of young children going to Brownies, Scouts or doing some swimming or music lessons if that’s what they enjoy. But these are often timetabled in the early evening, and parents have to make the choice between their children doing something healthy and character-building – and having them tucked up at an “acceptable” hour.

Of course, we shouldn’t let kids completely rule the roost and choose their own bedtime if they can’t sleep in the next day. And it is good to aim for early nights and predictable routines. But this just feels like more scaremongering for publicity (yup, she’s got a TV show out) – and yet another stick wielded at (mainly) mothers for not getting things “right”.

Sleeping like a baby…

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In a not un ironic moment I saw this story at 4am – headline “bad sleep dramatically alters body”.

Researchers conducted a study where they forced people to sleep for less than six hours a night for a week (lightweights) – and found that over 700 genes were altered as a result. The lead scientist was quoted as saying, ”Clearly sleep is critical to rebuilding the body and maintaining a functional state, all kinds of damage appear to occur – hinting at what may lead to ill health.

“If we can’t actually replenish and replace new cells, then that’s going to lead to degenerative diseases.”

I am feeling pretty damn degenerate at the moment, but that’s probably because I’ve been surrounded by illness in the household for longer than I care to think about. In order to cope, I’ve done whatever it takes to help the littlest one to sleep well, and this involves feeding milk on a four-hourly basis and bed sharing. It’s like having a newborn again, except that this particular infant is two, and pipes up, “oi’ve been thinking that oi want some milk now mummy. Just milk and NOT water”.

This has led me to the conclusion that not actively trying to do anything about my child’s sleep is definitely stress-free on one level. I’ve mentioned before how trying to fit into a routine when my boys were babies definitely contributed to my PND. I suspect that Gina Ford and her acolytes would be up in arms at my current antics (as would most normal-thinking people too, I admit). And B is definitely sleeping well as he jabs his pudgy little feet of steel into the small of my back every 10 minutes.

Some people are brilliant at this co-sleeping lark. I’m just not one of them. I like the idea and wish I could sleep comfortably next to my child. But I can’t, and it’s totally doing me in. Last night he came into the bed at 12am, and I barely got a wink afterwards. I suspect “something must be done”, and find myself (yet again), facing the prospect of some form of sleep training.

But every time I approach it, I recoil. The idea of knowingly letting my child cry is anathema to me – and yet the “softer” techniques (gradual retreat, etc) just seem like pulling off a sticking plaster agonisingly slowly. If anyone reading this has successful experience of sleep training a two year-old, I’d really love to hear about it. Or, better still, come round to my house and listen to him yell while I bugger off to the pub.

 

 

Stocktaking 2012

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Much in the manner of last year, I thought I’d have a trawl through the last 12 months and have a bit of a think about what’s happened. Rather than dividing things into “good” and “bad” as I did before, I thought I’d just get down a random selection of things that were new, or that changed my life in some way (however small).

It’s interesting that last year I had “look into mindfulness” and “get more sleep” as my two main aims. The first one I accomplished by taking a 12-week online course with the Mindfulness Centre at the start of the year, then in the autumn going into a bit more depth with an eight week distance learning course at Bangor University that required a lot of self-practice and weekly talks with a tutor.

I’ve blogged about it elsewhere, but I do still think it is a valuable tool, even if it wasn’t the magic bullet I secretly hoped it might be. I can say that I probably am more aware of my present circumstances and less likely to fight against what is really happening (as opposed to what I would like to happen).

The sleep issue – well, I had decided to do sleep training and then bottled it. By which I mean I’d planned on doing gradual retreat, but realised B would never stand for it and I would find it too hard myself. As it happens, B has slept though (til 5am, granted, but I’ll take that if the rest of the night is undisturbed) a handful of times in the last fortnight, so I don’t feel so bad about not actively intervening. My heart wasn’t massively into it anyway, but I may have to revisit it come the New Year and if work circumstances change.

Work – I have had a very enjoyable year freelancing part-time (and publishing the Postnatal Survival Guide), which I am planning on virtually touring in the New Year once I get my shit together. I am also looking into getting permanent work.I don’t know how 2013 will pan out on that front, so watch this space. But I do need to earn more money. Which brings me neatly to…

…economising, budgeting and generally saving money. I have a bad habit of spending money as if I was single, childless and earning a full time salary. As this is not the case, I need to rein it in, quite significantly. So expect some dullard batch cooking and coupon posts in the New Year :-) .

Other plans include to get more fresh air, watch less TV, and get to know more people in my village. I realise all this could be achieved by joining the WI hiking group, but not sure if I’m quite ready to go down that road yet.

Despite some setbacks and issues too personal to chronicle here, I feel 2012 has been quite a positive year, in that foundations have been laid for what I think will be a year of significant change. Thank you to everyone who has followed this blog and taken the time to comment on my posts (or even just dropped in and out). I am often amazed when people mention things I’ve written as I do sometimes forget I’m communicating with more than just the computer screen. So for everyone reading this, thank you very much. And for those who aren’t, I hope you’re enjoying the fourth round of the World’s Strongest Man. I’d probably choose that over reading this twaddle given half a chance…

No more Mr Nice Pillow

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So…we have hit a wall on the sleeping front in our household. What was previously “just” exhausting has become unsustainable. B has now taken to only going to sleep when touched by another person, and preferably lying on their entire arm, while turning over and shouting out every 45 minutes or so. His brother wakes maybe once or twice during the night   – and then is up for the day at half five. My partner and I are walking zombies, barely able to get through the day. I’ve always adopted the utilitarian, “whatever gets the most people in the household the most sleep”, type of approach, but the pendulum has now firmly swung in the direction of intervention.

Added to this, I think our friends have had enough of me banging on about it and being unable to sustain a two-minute conversation without my eyes glazing over. In the course of the last week, three different people have gently suggested “getting someone in” – and another friend lent me a book yesterday. I thought I had read all the sleep books, but this is sleep clinic Millpond’s ‘”each your child to sleep” guide. I’m not sure if I expect a miracle, but I am planning on using the “gradual retreat” technique they mention, first on B, who is the most extreme, then on his brother for bedtime, as he is currently unable to go to sleep unless someone is lying down in the bedroom next to him.

I had already adopted a version of this the night before last. Determined not to bring him into our bed, I lay down next to his cot and patted his back and held his hand until he went to sleep. Each time he made so much as a whimper, I was right back there. I had next to no sleep (and a sore wrist the next morning) but he stayed in his cot.

Last night, I tried again. This time he went ballistic at around midnight and would not be comforted until he had some milk – but then slept until 5.30! (an epic achievement in this house). My current strategy is to gradually wean him off the milk (he’s nearly two, so this is not about depriving a hungry baby of essential nutrients) and once I’m just hold his hand, then patting his back, then just talking to him, etc etc. The book recommends three days of each stage – although knowing what I do about the universal wisdom of sleep books now I will take the advice as liberally as required.

But I have a plan now – one that sits comfortably with my attitude towards sleep training and will hopefully pay dividends for the whole family. I am determined not to be too much of a sleep bore, so will just report back on its success – or lack thereof – in the coming weeks.

Stocktaking

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It might not be New Year’s Eve, but I have the time and inclination to do a little precis of what I have found worked for me this year, in terms of improving my mood and general happiness levels, and what has not. My son will be one in a week, and it’s been an incredibly full-on year, spending a lot of his early weeks in hospital due to his severe reflux (and time at home managing it), but also the more prosaic aspects of juggling life with a toddler and a newborn.

Fortunately, I was able to identify my PND in the first half of the year, (thanks, in part, to having experienced it exactly two years before) and seek medical help straightaway. The rest, however, has been an effort on my part to seek out practical and enjoyable ways to help myself. Here’s what I’ve learned so far…

What’s helped

  • Anti depressant medication. Sertraline is my particular poison, and it’s been invaluable in giving me the energy and resilience to connect with my children and get through the days intact.
  • Short, relaxing exercise breaks. I realised I needed to find something quick and effective to slot into my day. A lot of people swear by the 30 Day Shred, and I gave it a whirl, but I only had the energy to do it on holiday. It definitely worked from a purely physical point of view, but was too hard work to be enjoyable, so got sent back to Love Film pdq. I found Erin O’Brien’s 15 min Postnatal Rescue suited me much better, and I was still able to do it after an exhausting day and see the effects.
  • Short breaks in the day – I downloaded the 20 and 40 min “energiser” tracks from Pzizz. The voice is a little irritating, but it’s been useful when I’ve been too wired to sleep, but have the odd half hour to switch off.
  • Having a project – i.e this blog. While I’ve not been working, it’s been great to have something that has a sense of purpose, that I get a sense of achievement from (and connection with those who read it). I’m not currently keeping a journal and it’s very helpful both in terms of having a “brain dump” but also clarifying my own thoughts and feelings.
  • Staying in the present. I got halfway through The Power of Now before giving up, but want to look more into mindfulness. Would welcome suggestions of good books on the subject.
  • Connecting with old friends and not talking about children.
  • Various exercises from specific self-help books (see previous posts).There are loads more I’m sure, but these are the main ones that spring to mind.

What hasn’t worked for me

  • Attending to my personal appearance. Of course, I follow basic hygiene rules, I mean more wearing make up or getting my hair done, or buying new clothes. I know this works for many people, but I’d rather spend the precious minutes in other ways.
  • Denying myself particular indulgences, such as coffee, Diet Coke, sweets, choc, wine etc. I realise that all the research points to Diet Coke and booze being depressants in themselves, but I find depriving myself when my world is so small even more depressing.
  • Sleep! Or rather, I had hoped the kids would be sleeping better by now, so I’m not feeling any benefits yet. But on my list for the New Year is sleep training for the baby now he’s 1, so I hope this can move up into the first list soon.

Looking forward to trying out some new stuff in the New Year, thanks for reading this year, Happy Christmas!